glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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