I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Randomize
