I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Randomize
