All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
