That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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