I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
