you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
