You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
