I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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