im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
