mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
