I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
