When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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