I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
a search helicopter?!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
