Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
