i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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