Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
