sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
