dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
