Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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