it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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