My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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