I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
