Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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