This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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