I wish I could teleport
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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