He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
