I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
