if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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