I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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