i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
