You're completely useless in the revolution.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
