cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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