the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
