I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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