I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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