I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Are we in a gay sports bar?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
