i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
