Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
