I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
