we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
