i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
