dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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