did you get engaged???
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
