I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
