so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
