I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
