I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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