sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
