apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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