Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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