so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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