she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
