John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Oh god it's open bar.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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