He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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