it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
