I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
