When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
