"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
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I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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