Moan for me like Helen Keller
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
