Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
