I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
