I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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